Wisdom
Isn't the point of growing older to become wiser?
Age, Time, and Experience are supposed to bring along Wisdom. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes.
But maybe that is all a myth.
What if we Don't actually become wiser with time? What if age brings no greater enlightenment, only crows' feet around our eyes? What if experience merely embitters, without enriching us?
Perhaps time cannot heal all wounds, solve all problems. Scars which seem to have faded sometimes return. And mostly, I find that I am as confused as before. For a consumate escapist, who has spent a lot of her life running, I'm finding it is futile to try to put time and distance between myself and the questions that I eventually have to return to. My instinctive reaction to problems is denial and flight, and after a while, it seems like they don't exist. But I'm running out of places and time, and at the end of the day, the questions still remain.
I know that a Great Answer Book to All Questions in Life will not be bestowed upon me. But I keep delaying having to think about the direction I want to take in life - to be the pessimist or the optimist, the idealist or the cynic, to be of the heath or hearth, to be of wind and fire, or that of the solid earth. To avoid problems or to tackle them head on, to hold back or to rush madly into the storm.
Nothing can be planned anyway, and I am happy to take things as they come. A day at a time. But I am not talking about planning, I am talking about a fundamental attitude . And these fundamental decisions will affect me, steer my future as it were - towards clear summer skies, or dark storm clouds.
But what I'm afraid of is that I have not and perhaps never will learn the lessons that I'm supposed to have learnt. And in the end I will forever be stuck in the place s that I've been. All my life I'll be trapped within a neverending cycle. I'll forever be Lulamae running through the briar patch, just giving the emotions a different name.
I want to be less afraid. I want to learn to throw the doors to my heart wide open and Trust. I want to go out and conquer all, to forge my own Brave New World. I think that requires a lot more courage and strength than keeping up walls and hiding wihtin my own fortress.
Age, Time, and Experience are supposed to bring along Wisdom. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes.
But maybe that is all a myth.
What if we Don't actually become wiser with time? What if age brings no greater enlightenment, only crows' feet around our eyes? What if experience merely embitters, without enriching us?
Perhaps time cannot heal all wounds, solve all problems. Scars which seem to have faded sometimes return. And mostly, I find that I am as confused as before. For a consumate escapist, who has spent a lot of her life running, I'm finding it is futile to try to put time and distance between myself and the questions that I eventually have to return to. My instinctive reaction to problems is denial and flight, and after a while, it seems like they don't exist. But I'm running out of places and time, and at the end of the day, the questions still remain.
I know that a Great Answer Book to All Questions in Life will not be bestowed upon me. But I keep delaying having to think about the direction I want to take in life - to be the pessimist or the optimist, the idealist or the cynic, to be of the heath or hearth, to be of wind and fire, or that of the solid earth. To avoid problems or to tackle them head on, to hold back or to rush madly into the storm.
Nothing can be planned anyway, and I am happy to take things as they come. A day at a time. But I am not talking about planning, I am talking about a fundamental attitude . And these fundamental decisions will affect me, steer my future as it were - towards clear summer skies, or dark storm clouds.
But what I'm afraid of is that I have not and perhaps never will learn the lessons that I'm supposed to have learnt. And in the end I will forever be stuck in the place s that I've been. All my life I'll be trapped within a neverending cycle. I'll forever be Lulamae running through the briar patch, just giving the emotions a different name.
I want to be less afraid. I want to learn to throw the doors to my heart wide open and Trust. I want to go out and conquer all, to forge my own Brave New World. I think that requires a lot more courage and strength than keeping up walls and hiding wihtin my own fortress.
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